Those of you from Trade Me will well be aware of Kyah Milne - those of you not from Trade me probably know of her because i've told you. She passed a week ago yesterday and her 3rd birthday would have been tomorrow. I read Shannell and Jason's journal and have followed their journey since i first heard about Kyah getting sick again. i have no words really to describe how absolutely amazing i think they are - i have no words to describe how stupid i feel in my mundane little world when their are such bigger problems that families are facing. I'm trying to see the beautiful in everything and know that life is too short - reading about Kyah has taught me not to hold grudges - life is what it is - people come and people go in our lives - i will no longer be a "puppy dog" and follow around people who obviously dont care enough to be my friend. surprisingly enough you'd think i would be the opposite - wanting to cling to everyone and not let them go. i've done that in the past and look where it has got me - no. i am going to live life for ME - for my daughter - im not going to let little things worry me - if people dont want to be in my life - thats fine - there are plenty of others i can welcome into it who WILL treat me with the respect and friendship i deserve.
i got a "kyah giraffe" the other day - i look at it and it reminds me of a beautiful little girl who had a huge fighting spirit and defied all the doctors expectations. i - like many others - will NOT walk past the collection box for cancer anymore - i cant turn a blind eye. they NEED to find a cure for cancer and they need to do it now. kyah IS the face of child cancer - maybe not on the tv or wotever - but in our hearts - we will always see kyah.
as for the weight thing - i really want to lose it. i just dont know how. the duromine isnt working that well anymore, i have no willpower - im too frikken fat to exercise and i cant walk (or drive) past a bakery or any food place really without going in and buying something. in turn - peyton eats crap - she hates fruit - wont even try it - but she will guzzle down chips and chicken nuggets till the cows come home. the LAST thing i want is for my daughter to go through what i have for so long - u'd think that would be enough motivation for me - i just dont think i can stop :(
the one thing - which is stupid - but honestly i cant stop thinking about it. Most of you who "know" me - know my situation with "donor". Peyton goes over there once or twice a week for a few hours - well now every time i go to drop her off she clings to me and cries and doesnt want me to leave her. im PETRIFIED something is going to happen to her there. His nana asked for the pram last week so he could take her for a walk. last night when i was trying to go to sleep (knowing he would have her today and thinking he might as for the pram) i couldnt - all i could think about was him going down a hill and letting go of the pram - or her falling out - or him taking her somewhere and letting her OUT of the pram and her running and getting hit by a car. i have NO faith or trust in his abilities as a parent. to me - he is not one. he is donor. he may have been the reason i have her but i just cant let her go. i have huge fears honestly - like paranoid fears that something will happen to her. i wake up worrying about the day that he is going to get her overnight. i imagine him ringing me up to tell me shes dead. i had to stay with her this morning for awhile then sneak out - when i got back 90 mins later she was crying and had scrapes all over her legs - he had taken her outside and she'd fallen over on the concerete. yes im sure this could have happened if she was with me - but WHY do things ALWAYS happen to her when hes got her? if she can get injured just being at his nanas house - whats going to happen if he takes her somewhere? i just dont know how to get these thoughts and panics and worries out of my head. least he told me this time instead of me going home and finding the scrapes like he did with the spilt coke *sighs* thats half a step in the right direction.
if anyone has any suggestions i'd gratefully hear em! how do u stop worrying to death about ur babies? how do u stop being a dickhead and just do the exercise and lose the weight? how do i get the visions of a rotten future with my baby taken from me for 50% of the time to that loonytoon out of my head?
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3 comments:
Firstly, you need to document EVERYTHING because if you ever want to go ahead with a legal battle and get 100% custody you need documentation of everything.
It sounds awful but its just something you should do.
Just in case, because you can never remember everything that happens, so if you write it down and keep a record it will also help you to identify any problems in the future.
It would be really hard to let your baby go with him and I totally understand how hard that must be. HELL I found it difficult to let Ming (MY DOG!) go with my partner! LMAO how pathetic is that?! I have trust in him now but even I was petrified of her getting hurt because he didnt pay as much attention as I did.
I know how lame that sounds, but I do love my little dog, she is my child! LOL.
I have been eating really healthy lately AND I havent been suffering from depression like I used to.
Firstly get some supplements, it has changed my whole mentality and attitude, I totally believe that the Omega 3 that I am taking has helped with my depression.
Plus my multi vits etc etc.
And then the 2nd thing I have done is dug deep.
There are reasons why we overeat and make bad choices.
People neglect the fact that there is an emotional underlying influence at work.
I think that is the first step, before the diet and exercise or anything.
You need to discover the reasons for your eating, then you need to face them, talk about them, work through them, and then finally learn to accept them and make peace with them.
I have worked through some stuff in my own head and because of it, I have found happiness in other things around me.
Its really important to find happiness in other parts of your life so that its not always food you asociate with happiness and pleasure.
Start doing more things, like for me I have started a vege garden, I have lots of animals to keep me busy and I just get out there more.
I have a job I really enjoy, and am mainly being more honest with myself.
After that all that education on health and well being will start to sink in.
Like I am slowly opening my eyes to what I have always known, but now its just starting to make more sense.
I look at it like an illness because basically without being recognised as one, we know that it is.
It is as detrimental as being anorexic.
Its just the opposite.
Your body can not go on taking the load and pressure that we put on it.
Eventually just like a lack of, too much works out just the same.
I have become more aware of what I put in my body, basically also because I have hypoglycemia, which is the start of diabetes, its pre- diabetes.
Its not going to take much to tip me over the edge and into a whole new health hazard.
We only have one thing on our side at this time and it is age, I figure I need to change and take advantage of it now while I still can.
And last but not least the ultimate goal is happiness.
I work in mental health and it has helped me to realise that not only is that a mental state of mind, it comes from within, if you are healthy so is your mind!
Instead of concentrating so much on the weight right now, I am concentrating on what I put in, why its going in, and what it will do for me.
Research the food, experiment with it and eventually the weight will start to fall off.
My rule is, if its not natural, if its toxic to your body DONT PUT IT IN!
Have the occasional treat with PORTION CONTROL! its hard, its a battle but you can do it!
I am learning to respect myself, and respect my body.
When I eat healthy, I feel like a different person - which is why I think finally my time has come.
Its finally getting through.
There is so much more to weightloss than simply eating healthy and exercising.
Its a mental thing, and that comes first... the rest will follow.
This is what I am learning too :D
Hi Andrea. I would recommend councilling. (No I don't think you are mental) But I found councilling really benefical to so many areas like my weight loss, and my own personal irrational fears. You might not like the first councilor you find, you need to find one you gel with. I feel so much more empowered, both in my dealings with John and also just in general. Winz will probably help pay for it too.
Donor probably feels stink when he has to return Peyton to you and something else has gone wrong. He is inexperienced and lacks maternal instinct (or whatever you want to call it), but it is nice he is trying to make an effort in his daughters life. (edit) Not trying to make him sound good or anything, but in my opinion it sucks when they just walk away and have nothing to do with their own children. Although you may not feel the same.
Good luck dealing with it all.
Hi there. I was coming in to say I feel the same...I know I need to lose weight but seem to really struggle to do it!! Last week I lost a little but instead of celebrating it and striving for a lower figure next week I stopped at McDs twice during the week while out and about, and ate other crap! I just can't seem to stick to anything!! Then I read what Star (above) posted and wow...what great advice!!
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