Not really anything to do with weight - but i just wanted to blog.

Those of you from Trade Me will well be aware of Kyah Milne - those of you not from Trade me probably know of her because i've told you. She passed a week ago yesterday and her 3rd birthday would have been tomorrow. I read Shannell and Jason's journal and have followed their journey since i first heard about Kyah getting sick again. i have no words really to describe how absolutely amazing i think they are - i have no words to describe how stupid i feel in my mundane little world when their are such bigger problems that families are facing. I'm trying to see the beautiful in everything and know that life is too short - reading about Kyah has taught me not to hold grudges - life is what it is - people come and people go in our lives - i will no longer be a "puppy dog" and follow around people who obviously dont care enough to be my friend. surprisingly enough you'd think i would be the opposite - wanting to cling to everyone and not let them go. i've done that in the past and look where it has got me - no. i am going to live life for ME - for my daughter - im not going to let little things worry me - if people dont want to be in my life - thats fine - there are plenty of others i can welcome into it who WILL treat me with the respect and friendship i deserve.

i got a "kyah giraffe" the other day - i look at it and it reminds me of a beautiful little girl who had a huge fighting spirit and defied all the doctors expectations. i - like many others - will NOT walk past the collection box for cancer anymore - i cant turn a blind eye. they NEED to find a cure for cancer and they need to do it now. kyah IS the face of child cancer - maybe not on the tv or wotever - but in our hearts - we will always see kyah.

as for the weight thing - i really want to lose it. i just dont know how. the duromine isnt working that well anymore, i have no willpower - im too frikken fat to exercise and i cant walk (or drive) past a bakery or any food place really without going in and buying something. in turn - peyton eats crap - she hates fruit - wont even try it - but she will guzzle down chips and chicken nuggets till the cows come home. the LAST thing i want is for my daughter to go through what i have for so long - u'd think that would be enough motivation for me - i just dont think i can stop :(

the one thing - which is stupid - but honestly i cant stop thinking about it. Most of you who "know" me - know my situation with "donor". Peyton goes over there once or twice a week for a few hours - well now every time i go to drop her off she clings to me and cries and doesnt want me to leave her. im PETRIFIED something is going to happen to her there. His nana asked for the pram last week so he could take her for a walk. last night when i was trying to go to sleep (knowing he would have her today and thinking he might as for the pram) i couldnt - all i could think about was him going down a hill and letting go of the pram - or her falling out - or him taking her somewhere and letting her OUT of the pram and her running and getting hit by a car. i have NO faith or trust in his abilities as a parent. to me - he is not one. he is donor. he may have been the reason i have her but i just cant let her go. i have huge fears honestly - like paranoid fears that something will happen to her. i wake up worrying about the day that he is going to get her overnight. i imagine him ringing me up to tell me shes dead. i had to stay with her this morning for awhile then sneak out - when i got back 90 mins later she was crying and had scrapes all over her legs - he had taken her outside and she'd fallen over on the concerete. yes im sure this could have happened if she was with me - but WHY do things ALWAYS happen to her when hes got her? if she can get injured just being at his nanas house - whats going to happen if he takes her somewhere? i just dont know how to get these thoughts and panics and worries out of my head. least he told me this time instead of me going home and finding the scrapes like he did with the spilt coke *sighs* thats half a step in the right direction.

if anyone has any suggestions i'd gratefully hear em! how do u stop worrying to death about ur babies? how do u stop being a dickhead and just do the exercise and lose the weight? how do i get the visions of a rotten future with my baby taken from me for 50% of the time to that loonytoon out of my head?

mmm im such a lazy bum at the mo

OMG my stomach has definately shrunk - on the inside anyways. just filled my face with wot i call "bbq in a pan" - 2 sausages, 2 meat patties, mashed potato, salad and some garlic naan bread - and OMG i think im going to explode. previously i would have eaten that and still had room for dessert! every so often my eyes are bigger than my stomach these days. mind you i ate at like 10am and nothing until tea time except a few crackers so i was hungry - but that's the problem with letting yourself get hungry - u overeat.

blardy hot weather at the moment - have taken Peyton swimming twice this week the lucky girl!

havent been on my bike either :( coz it's so hot in the bedroom where i have the bike - i need to set up some fans or something - oh yeah - and stop making stupid excuses for me being a lazy ass!

the lovely kyah on trademe (most of you know who im talking about) has officially made it to 500 days since she got sick - YAY! not going to be long now till she passes. am so glad her mum, dad and family have shared their story - it's totally changed how i view things and my whole life really - im sure peyton is totally appreciate coz i dont yell at her as much! when she drives me up the wall and throws a paddy i just give her a kiss and talk quietly to her instead of going off my nut. life is precious.

Dietician Weigh-in today

Well i had my dietician appointment this morning - have now lost 5.2kgs since i started seeing her - so yay for me. not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things but better than gaining or even staying the same! she was really happy - u'd think i'd lost 20kgs the way she raved hahah - but that's nice though, it's good to have someone believe in you!

She told me off for not eating enough though - because of the duromine i'm not really all that hungry so havent been eating until lunchtime and then having tea and that's about it - am drinking alot of water though so i thought i'd be all good - but she said no i must eat brekkie! i showed her the jenny craig bar i usually have and she said it's not that healthy and im better off having toast - it's the same calories! so i'll save my pennies n have toast i think - or fruit and yoghurt if im not hungry.

i want to lose 10kgs from now until xmas - it's do-able if i exercise everyday and have no cheat days - then that'd make it 15 kgs since i started my diet - i'd be happy with that.

she said i need to exercise everyday - even if it's just a 20 minute walk or 20 minutes on the bike to start with then i can build up. so got on the stationary bike while Peyton was having a sleep and did 12.3km's in 30 mins - i wasnt too puffed but had a sore as blardy ass at the end of it though!

was cooking tea and got so light headed and things started to go black - eek so have come to sit down while mum finishes making tea. guess i shudda eaten more today after all - all i had was a ham and lettuce sandwich at lunchtime and then a savoury muffin this avo.

mmm so much going through my head at the moment too in regards to a friend. just dont know what's happened to us - and now im really worried for him *sighs* blardy men aye!

friends - weight and...life.

Well.... the weight isnt really moving at the moment - i have good days and bad days so i guess they're cancelling each other out - which rather sux hahaha. Had pizza for tea last night - i blame mum, she suggested it and i have no willpower to say no. Have been out in the backyard with peyton today though and been on the bike for a bit - and basically hadnt eaten all day except for a few scones at 1pm so hopefully it all balances out. Have a weigh in tomorrow with the dietician at the hospital - hopefully it's better than the 1kg i lost last time in a month ahahah!

Still taking the duromine - it hasnt really kicked in since i took a break from it - im still really tired and dont feel like i have extra energy - only thing it really is helping with is appetite - i dont really have one!

sounds stupid - but honestly they say u have to eat to lose weight otherwise ur body holds onto wotever u eat right? but umm - anorexic ppl are SKINNY - and they dont eat - so i assume i'd have to get REALLY skinny for my body to hold onto everything i eat - up until then it shud just start to eat itself.. RIGHT!? haha

friends - well i cant say that's going well. have lost a few lately. before i would put up with anything because i just wanted to have people around me and wanted friends - now i honestly think life is too short to be unhappy - id rather have no friends than crappy ones who put me down and piss me off! so yeah - lost a few 'long term' friends and then just a couple of new ones who weren't really who i thought they would be - but life goes on. onwards and upwards and all that - i just really want to concentrate on me and my journey (and peyton of course) so if that makes me a selfish bitch - so be it. i want to be happy. i DESERVE to be happy. im GOING to be happy.

for those of you who know about Kyah (the little girl with cancer) she honestly has had a rather profound effect on my life. especially with the life is too short to waste it on petty crap. none of us know how long we have - live life - love life - love living!

final note. NATIONAL SUX! poor Aunty Helen *wails*

Day 1 - AGAIN

just a quick note to start the blog really. Going back on Duromine tomorrow - it totally curbed my appetite and since i havent taken it in over a week im hungry again - so making bad choices again. Feel quite disgusted with myself - so the 4.5kgs i lost last week is probably on 2kgs now. i dont know why i gain it so quickly though - that just sux ass!

will just have to get mum to take peyton away on day 5 when i turn into a mental bitch hahaa